Yo soy Sanika

You hear a thud, a bang and then POW! BIFF! BAM! And that’s me being clumsy! Just the opposite of king Midas- anything I touch breaks into pieces!

If you hear someone talking loudly, arguing and speaking without caring to stop for breath, that’s me again- crazy and whacked out who can’t stop talking!

You hear giggles and laughter- peek-a-boo! It’s me- making a complete fool of myself. (A sight not so rare.)

And I like thinking (and that’s just how random and incoherent I can get while talking.)

So that’s pretty much me- Sanika.

I like to think of myself

As cool-when I have zilch knowledge about fashion, football or gizmos.

Smart- when I have a gold fish memory and I talk about things which most people say is gibberish.

pretty- when I totally know I am not even in the running

So basically that’s pretty much about me, someone who has grandiose illusions about herself.

And now I have the nerves to start a blog, when I am not a very even a good writer.

That established, you wonder what I’m writing about.

I wondered too, I wondered for over a month and it finally came down to this.

I conclude I am most passionate about wild life, dance, music, talking and Ads.

All I’m going to do here is come up with real whacky products, that may or may not exist and tell you why I felt the need for them. Because I figure blogging is to do what I like and I am a big fan of RANDOM, quirky and senseless! 

Why pika pika?

This post only explains why my Id is pikapika-peekaboo.

The expression pika pika originates from Jasraj Padhye who uses it whenever he’s confused, which I must say is most of the times. So you would probably say pika pika if a girl you’ve been running away from and hardly talk to calls you her best friend one fine day. Or when you’re in the computer viva and sir asks you what is onion skin, what is optimization, what is, why is, how is......? (Scream) too many questions, what’s the answer, what to say, I’m getting a zero! Pika pika.

Or times like BlogSpot says ID NAME and you think and think and think but its pika pika!

Why peek-a-boo? This used to be my favorite word as a kid. I have a turtle named peek-a-boo and the word is so musical.

Basically I think pika pika in my head about a million times. A very confusion governed life I live. And so pika pika just had to be the word that best describes my blog. 

Bore me not

These products are my creation and they are sort of available for sale. The more number of people who follow my blog, the more products I have sold. So buy, buy, buy and make me happy.

There are so many things you aren’t enthusiastic about! I firmly believe you should be exempted from them. These “shibby”* products are created just for that. 

Let your imagination run when you’re reading about them and then you’ll surely associate utility with them.

Just remember- utility is different from usefulness.

So like I was talking about not being enthusiastic about certain things. I have a long list of those. All my products focus around these things.

I am going to begin with these friends who keep calling and waste my countless hours of the day. I get so put off, they call me up and go on and on and on, “you know she did this, he did that, I was there and I was like, he was like, its like, he likes me, likes me not, I almost fainted yesterday, you toh don’t talk only these days, do you think he’ll ever notice me, I got my nails done…   ”, yawn is all I have to give as a reaction but do I?  NO! Only because I can’t be mean. Being sweet is just innate! So what do I do? I listen, I say hmmm, ahaa, cool ya, oh ok, hahahaha after they laugh because that’s my cue. But I don’t enjoy these sessions, and they are frequent.

      I always wished there was some way I didn’t have to listen to them!

So now, since this is my blog, my own little virtual world, I create the-

BORE ME NOT!

My own device that will answer these friends and spare me the horror. It is this awesome machine that will automatically pick up calls and say hmmm, ahaa, cool ya, oh ok, ha ha ha ha when needed.

And then imagine what you can do with the hours you save. Blissful! I’ll watch T.V., go for a walk, play with my turtles, fight with my sister and reduce the chances of having brain tumor and death caused by boredom.

I am sure all of you have such “chipkoo” friends as well. So why wait? Get BORE ME NOT and use those spare hours of the day to do what you like.

And if you think you don’t need this product, you are either the chipkoo friend or a complete bitch.

Shibby- A word that Prekshaa and me adopted from a film. She’s one friend who is as crazy as me. I am hoping she likes the blog at least!  

Big bear hug granted

My kundali says I should fight. My head that hurts after every fight says I shouldn’t. When I am really angry and the tears that fall from my eyes tell me I am not supposed to fight. But I just have to defy all of them. Fight with the people I love the most and then sulk as if it’s going to do any good. They try to make up, they say a sorry but stupid me, no sorry is good enough until I calm myself down. And then when the person is tired of apologizing I crave for a hug. Who’ll entertain me?

I didn’t speak to my best friend for a year because of the same reason. It’s shameful but that’s how I am.

Wow! How I wish I thought like that when I am angry. So, all this affects me a lot and I thought it would be really cool if there was a fight fixer. That way I would be able to fight(I kind of enjoy doing that.) and then make up without having to hurt peoples’ feelings, also get that big bear hug to make everything alright.

What this device would do is bring peace in the world. Don’t think I’m shallow, I think of grave important issues as well.

Hear what you want you hear

High five, high five, high five… Stop! You scream, but she won’t listen. High five for every line? I can’t stand it. Also people who hop when they are talking or roll their eyes all the time and then there are people who dig their nose or scratch their butt when they reach the climax of their bla story. You can never have long conversations with them. Hand movements, expressions, body language, everything puts you off. But then they are nice people. They make sense sometimes. So should you stop talking to them?

That would be mean. I am innately sweet. Then what do you do? You use the ACTION TERMINATOR. This will eliminate all the undesired actions and pauses helping you listen to the guy without being irritated.

I felt the need for this device after this one conversation with one of my friends who was rambling about-

“She liking someone and that someone liking someone else.”

Complicated relationships are already so fun to listen to!

Here is how she did it. However, I want to state that this could have been better if I could write a two part script. Audio and video.

So she comes and gives me a tight hug.

Sanu I missed you so much. My baby! So cute you look, she pulls my cheek. At this point I’m scared. Whenever she does this, there’s a long story coming. I pray for mom to call me home. Anything please! I ll cook if I have to, but not the story! But of course, I am not spared.

So here is how she goes about the story.

The 2 part script format

You know Arjun na, I think I like him        she's cupped my hands

Last 4 nights I’ve been thinking about       puts her hair behind the ears

him

so what was I saying?                                 rolls her eyes around.

Oh ya, he was also showing interest           breaks her fingers.                 

But then I was like, he’s already dated       pigeon head shake, or puking

So many times, its risky na.                       cat head shake.

Yeaterday, I was eating at the canteen        she suddenly has tears in her

And I saw him with that Esha.                            Eyes.

He likes her                                                 and she’s hugged me. in a split secomd

Mera toh popat ho gaya                              still hugging me.

You don’t think that was bad? Imagine every action being repepated at least 5 more times and the duration of the conversation at least 20 mintues.

THE NEED OF THE WORLD IS THE ACTION TERMINATOR.

How good is he gonna be?

It’s not the first line of some women’s magazine. NO. I don’t wanna talk crap. So I’m jumping straight to the point. There’s a guy you see at the club, he’s really cute and you think “tonight’s gonna be good night”, so you make a first move. The guy plays hard to get. But you think the effort’s going to pay off.

You waste a hell lot of time, maybe all your “how to make a move” tricks and you succeed.

You’re excited and you’re 100 per cent sure this experience is going to be awesome….

Half an hour later, lets just say…how do I put it? Uhh, it was disappointing! No moans, no ooooh, give me some more. You just wasted an entire evening over some jerk!

This could happen all the time. But it won’t because I give the “how good is he” detector. This device, really helpful, helps you save time and gives you only the best!

This investment is smart I say! And we guarantee only “Awesome” experiences. Anything below that and you can have your money back.

Remember, time is money; you can’t afford to waste it.

Eyes wide open

Are you a victim of boring lectures? Do you also end up sleeping at 1 in the night and have to wake up as early as 5 in the morning? Sleepless days, sleepless nights! Do you sleep in the trains and wake up missing your station? Do you have to attend worthless lectures because you can’t be thrown out of college? Life is unfair. And what happens finally? You just end up compromising on your sleep. Not any more.

I mean I wish I could help you not attend lectures but that you have to. So then what’s different you ask?

Sleep is something you’re not going to compromise on henceforth? I see some smiles now.

 I present to you, the “EYE OPEN SLEEPER”.

This awesome device lets you sleep like a dead man but with your eyes open. Look at the teacher. She feels you’re paying attention. Attend college because you have to and use this perfect device designed to make your life blissful. Happy teacher, happier you and if you like this, happiest me! 

Mera hai, toh mera hai

I liked to have everything in place for school. The sincere, punctual, naïve old me! So when the term began, I bought a new pouch, a new ruler and most importantly those 3 different color pens. A green one to high light, a red one to correct and a few blue pens to write everyday in class.

A week into school and I am already buying new pens again. You wonder why? I’ll tell you. People stole them. We once had a poem that said “never be a borrower or a lender...” I know why now. It's stupid and deal that'll only bring loss. They never gave my pens back, my virgin pens, with not a drop of ink used.

And now the legacy continues. In college, your pens get stolen too. People ask for pens during exams as well. It bothers me. I don’t want to share my stuff. But like I said being sweet is innate. Acts of nobility helping everyone but me. I wished there was some way I could safe guard my stuff.

And viola my wish comes true,

(Accordions playing)

Here comes the PEN STEALER ALARM. This tiny beeper will set off after the stipulated time for which you have lent the pen is up. The pen comes flying back to you and the offender gets a big blot of ink on his/ her face. A little evil, don’t you think? But its not, think of all the precious pens you have lost! Don’t you suddenly feel it’s all justified.

So believe in “as you sow so shall you reap” and let these thieves have a taste of their own medicine.

Me, have to pee!

Déjà vu! My only thought that day. I’ve been in this state before. Upper KG, I had to pee, the teacher didn’t let me. I tried; I controlled, but ended up peeing in my pants. 22^nd august, I had a similar feeling. I was in college for about 7 hours, got off at Santa Cruz for a class. Got back to the station and I had to pee.

Train of thoughts in the head- station washroom* hygiene* cant control* but hygiene* pee in my pants* But hygiene*

And hygiene won. I decided against going. No regrets.

But foolish, it was. I don’t love the trains as such, but that day they angered me. One day I NEED to get home on time. Why? Why cant I?

Finally I see the train. Its 6 in the evening. I knew it was going to be crowded. But this was horrible. Don’t put pressure on my stomach. I can’t take it!

And then my iPod plays Shakira who sings, “the pressure’s on, I feel it”. I do. I do. I concur. I have pressure. So much of it.

The train gets every red signal and halts everywhere. Finally I get pushed put. I have managed so far. I can get through this. Jump into the rickshaw and somehow go home.

The lift in the building is slow. You can make maggi in the lift and it’ll be cooked by the time you get home. It takes 45 seconds to get to the 6^th floor. I counted that day. Mumma…

Rang the door bell once, twice. Sister sleeping. Mumma…

She gets up, yes! I run into the bathroom and feel so relieved! 45 seconds suddenly seem shorter! And I am glad I survived.

In conclusion- this wouldn’t have happened if I had the PEE STOPPER. And you need it too, eat this chocolate like boon and you don’t feel like peeing for the next one hour! I wish I had you that day PEE STOPPER that day.  

Trust me; you’re going to need it someday. And a wise man has said prevention is better than cure.   

Clean. clear. 1 minute

This product is specially designed for hygiene freaks like me!

When I see people eating "jhoota" I feel like spending my money and buying them another plate, saliva grosses me out, bad smelling hair makes me puke and I can’t stand corner seats in the train- they have hair, wrappers, lice filled sides and dirty windows with nose boogers! I feel disgusted and cranky at all these sights, let alone experiencing them. There’s nothing I want to do more than having a bath at such times. But I always compromise. Where are the resources to have a bath? No soap, no time, no water, no clean me! Whine….

Not anymore, because I have “one second bath tablet”. Whenever I fell so gross and there is a dire need to take a bath. All I have to do is hop in for a quick shower and feel all good and clean and comfortable and neat and germ free and safe, wow I can go on forever about how nice I feel.

So if you share the same sentiments, you have got to own it! And even if you don’t its just going to take one second of your life, will you do it for me? (Puppy dog face)

My next product is for wannabe “Barney Stinsons”. Have an aim to score with 200 women? But you’re least like Barney? You’re shy, not charming, the hero of the math club and drool in front of hot women?

Who says you don’t deserve the happiness you desire! It’s your goal? I say go for it! Are you looking at the screen and wondering, “Stupid Sanika, she thinks I haven’t tried already. If it didn’t work out earlier what’s different now?”

I’ll tell you what’s different. You will have your wing man, the CHARMER, another of my creations.

It comes with a by line that reads- buy one, get anyone.

This lovely bracelet aka CHARMER not only keeps you in vogue but also casts a spell that will make you irresistible! Phir kya, Katrina, Kareena or your neighbor Reena, everyone will love you.

 So quit taking her dog for a walk, treating her in the canteen everyday or being her book carrier! Get the bracelet and charm away….

Pinky Swear

Please, keep it away from me! I am allergic, I kept saying, I screamed, I begged, but they never understood. They kept coming closer, wrapped it around me and wished me happy birthday with a big bear hug. I broke away and cried. I was 5. Happy my birthday was! Why did they have to do it? Why did they give me a PINK scarf?  Out of all the beautiful colors in the world, there was always duck yellow or bright green or lovely purple. But they chose PINK. I have never liked pink. I am tolerant now but I would love it if I don’t ever see it again.

Of course that wasn’t possible until now. But I always have solutions to my own problems. So I came up with the “COLOR BLINDER”.

This lovely cream that you apply over your eye lids will never let you see the colors you don’t like!

So get caught by a police inspector after breaking a signal and tell him you didn’t realize as you can’t see red!

 Or let your mom use it before she sees that tiny red line in your report card.